It's past that "most wonderful time of the year", and to most people's delight, they received gifts from me, which I bought using my own money.
That I got.
For Christmas.
In total, I received about $150, $100 from my uncle, and $50 from my parents. I had about $13 already in my own pocket. At the end of all the frantic and borderline-indecisive shopping, I ended up with $10 in cash, and probably about a dollar in change.
But I don't feel cheap or stingy, nor do I feel like people owe me.
I feel like I owe even more. Most of the people I gave gifts to have done more for me than the gifts they received, and although I wish I could buy their entire wishlists to pay them back, I can't. All I had was the Christmas money that I didn't even deserve to receive in the first place.
Today, my mom found out that I spent all of my Christmas money on gifts, and my New Years money was going straight to my step dad because "he" bought my guitar and an outfit a couple months in advance, before I got my New Years money. So, I owe him.
And, my mom was complaining about how I can never support myself, that all the money I intake immediately leaves my wallet, whether it's on others or useless trash I feel like buying.
However, the point is, this year I was given a set amount of money for Christmas, and although the principle of it is that I use my money however I want to use it, according to my mom, it must be spent sparingly and for myself. But I wanted to buy others gifts, as small tokens of gratitude.
Now, not only do I feel terrible because I couldn't get everyone a gift, nor gifts of equal value to their kindness, I feel awful for spending the money I was given, even if it was all mine.
I suppose there's some underlying message, though. What would Jesus say?
Would Jesus tell me that I should have spent my money wisely, or that I should give with no intent on receiving, no matter the amount? I guess that's the struggle for me, financially, emotionally, and spiritually.
Whatever the answer may be, what's done is done. I have given gifts to those I could, with the small budget I had received. Although I feel guilty on both sides, I can't ask for the gifts back and get refunds. I cannot ask for more money from relatives so I can spend it all on more gifts.
Friend, if you ever feel conflicted, just pray earnestly. Do not speak empty words. If you are honestly conflicted and wish for enlightenment or peace, then pray with a solemn mouth. I guarantee an answer from the Savior above.
Stay faithful, friend.
- Joseph
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