My Heart is Going Through Puberty

Puberty: that seemingly-bittersweet part of life when you start to get a little bigger, a little taller, a little shapelier, and a little more sensitive; that part of life when you start to realize you need to be someone. For me, puberty is about hitting my growth spurt, getting a bunch of acne, and fighting this lovey-dovey war between me and a manipulative son-of-a-gun named Hormones. Although hormones are natural, during this specific period of change, hormones get a strong dose of chemical 'roids, and now my weapons of self-confidence, self-discipline, and a stable level of self-esteem are useless against the Enemy.

That's okay, I love it. I love looking at every girl (or guy, for those lovesick girls out there!) that walks into my life and thinking, "Thou art as golden as the finest jewel on a beautiful, expensive crown (insert winky face and whatever emoticon kids use nowadays)!" I love being obsessed with the girl in my chorus class because she's soooo cute with the way she acts around me, but I also love being obsessed with the girl at church because she's soooo attractive because she's just so down-to-earth, but for some reason, I also love being "in-love" with the girl who I'm not supposed to love because that would be wrong, even if she makes me feel like Heaven's on Earth...

Whoa, hold on a minute, no! I don't love it! I don't love being confused about which girl to "love", if it is love. I don't love struggling with the fact that it may not even be love, it may just be desperateness. I don't love constantly self-sabotaging because I don't think I'm good enough for her, whether it's my physical flaws, my emotional flaws, or my mental flaws. And, in all honesty, I really don't love the fact that I have to indulge in my ambiguity because I can't distinguish between my heart telling me it's love, and Hormones telling me it's infatuation; but then again, aren't they one and the same?

You see, my body is going through this physical and emotional stage of development society calls puberty, but I have come to a realization that my heart is also going through puberty. Every judgement call I make based on my heart is just me following an order from the Enemy. How can I win? How can I make the right decision? How can I "love" without it being attached to a sense of infatuation? I have an answer; in fact, I have the Answer:

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." - 1 John 4:18

If you truly love someone, and you believe wholeheartedly that you do, then you shouldn't be afraid. If you love someone and you are afraid, you are in love for the wrong reasons, and your sense of "love" is based on a lie, some sort of deception that the Enemy has tried to instill in you.

That isn't to say that you won't be afraid of loving someone, and that you should be ashamed of yourself if you are. It just means you are afraid of losing them in a sense of having a certain level of friendship or bond with them, and then it crumbles after you "spill the beans."

I may seem confusing, even a little hypocritical, but hear me out: if you love this girl (or boy), and you are afraid that they may love someone else and that they will never be with you, and you feel some sort of jealousy and selfishness stirring in your heart, then you are loving for the wrong reasons.

But let's say you love this girl (again, or boy!), and you're afraid that they just won't look at you the same, and that they just happen to "love" another human being because they're fighting this Enemy as well, but they're somewhat happy. Then you are at peace. Sure, it would be nice if they reciprocated that love you gave them, but you're content with the fact that they're happy. Your only fear is that they cut ties with you. But that's okay. They're happy. They're safe. She's safe. Then you are loving for the same reason Jesus loved, and still loves, you.

All in all, trust in the Lord. Trust the one who is Love. Have faith that He loves you with perfect love, and He only wants you to do the same to others. If that girl at your church is someone you genuinely love, then love with perfect love. If that girl is the girl you don't have to put up a mask on for, then love with perfect love. If that girl in your chorus class, or math class, or P.E class, is someone you truly love, then love with perfect love. God knows what you're going through. He created you! He created the very heart that is deceiving you, not to fool with you, but to help you grow! He knows what's best, and if what's best is to love with perfect love, and that's exactly what you're doing, then trust that God is making that judgement call, not the Enemy.

Stay faithful, friend.
- Joseph