When I was in the sixth grade, I had this humongous crush on this cute Korean girl in my orchestra class; she made me feel like I was dancing on clouds! At the end of the school year, I built up all the courage and bravery any sixth grader could possibly have and I asked her out. To my dismay, she said to wait until the next school year before telling me her answer. During the summer, we talked and had late night phone calls and we Facebook messaged a lot; we became closer!
But one day in July, I found out she started dating another boy, and when I asked her about it, she said that it was just a joke. They weren't really dating, they were seeing who would be more disgusted and back out, like some sort of sick game. This broke my stubborn heart, and I broke down and cried all night.
The next school year came along, and there was a new girl in my science class. I found out she had a crush on me... from her. My recuperating heart decided she was cute and she was worth asking out, so I did exactly that. Her response? "Yes."
My heart jumped and leaped with joy, and I was the happiest seventh grader alive. But I found out my old crush, the one that tangoed and stomped all over my kiddy heart, became jealous of her. So, I took that as a sign to break up with my girlfriend and ask out my old wounds. Funny thing is, she said yes! I was so happy and gleeful... until she dumped poor, awkward Joseph.
When I was in the eighth grade, I had a crush on a sixth grader (who, in my younger self's defense, was very mature for her age) from church. When I found out that she found out, and there was this very awkward pause in our friendship, my heart paid the consequence.
The summer before ninth grade, I met this amazing Korean girl from Korea (a fob, if you would), and we became close friends soon after. I developed a crush on her, and I prematurely asked her out, to which she declined. Though I tried over and over, she never really came through. For about a year, I never really completely resolved my feelings for her. To this day, and even into the future, I may not be completely healed.
When I was in the ninth grade, I had some questions on whether or not this one girl, who I've known for several years, was the girl for me (infatuation, am I right?). I had a dream where I was alone with her in my high school, and we were both dressed up and dancing. I took that as another sign to ask her out, and her reply was that we were like brother and sister; a relationship would ruin that.
Now, I developed a new crush on this girl who may not even be right for me, yet I like her probably because it makes me feel better. It's like I now have someone who I can actually fight for, but I can't seem to win her over. Is it that she's too good for me? Is it that I just love self-sabotaging? Or is it that I know she doesn't feel the same, so I don't try as hard? This girl is the center of attention of all my friends, and competition is rough, especially when you're not first place and everyone's rooting for the other guy. But maybe I like the struggle. Maybe I like fighting for a useless cause. Maybe I like to wallow in self-pity.
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I realize now that with every struggle I fight, and with every rejection I deal with, and with every competition I compete in I replace a piece of my broken heart with a stronger piece, like replacing a broken tire with a brand new tire. One day, I hope, I can give my heart to someone and they'll take good care of it.
One day, I hope, someone will give their heart to me and I'll take good care of it.
